Stillborn.

Condensed water droplets on the outside of the window didn't plan for a trip back with me. As the flight started to make it's getaway on the gloomy runway; droplets raced back downwards. It was an amazing sight on the window, so many lines of otiose existence racing for their destiny.

But it wasn't only those droplets that I left behind on my trip. Half of everything that I am made up of; got lost somewhere in the city, while braving it's eccentricities. A heavy heart cannot be outweighed by anything but the deed that it is destined to do. I tried to picture everything in front of my eyes and realize how my life is going to change; but what I just couldn't get out of my head was, that while "those otiose droplets" still fought for their destiny; I just gave in to the reality.

It was the title of this blog that was revolving around in my head. Stillborn. A baby that has departed from this world before it could open his eyes to see it. And yet, irony is, that it is there. It just made it and then it didn't.

Stillborn does not represent a failed effort, or a wasted effort of 9 months. In fact 9 months is barely a concern. What it represents is the demise of all the eternal long dreams that you build since it's conceiving. It represents the nucleus of everything you did in those 9 months. It represents the irony, that you made it. Almost. What makes it heart wrenchingly sad is the fact, that you were too close to believe it. All that it leaves behind is flummoxed senses trying to sop up your grief and then suddenly intensifying it. It's a feeling that you cannot explain. It comes as close to dying as it could; and yet being alive in just a non-existent way.

On a different note, the problem in talking to wise men is that, they make you see the side, you knew existed, but didn't want to see. I hate when that happens. Not only it instills rational thought and reality in your cogitating mind; but it also draw up the boundaries that you didn't know existed. Or at least you didn't honor. It kills the will and determination to do the impossible. It makes you believe that you are like everyone else. Mediocre.

I just hate the fact, that someone convinced me successfully that I cannot succeed even before I started. But in my defense, if it was only up to me; there would not be any stopping. It's just that sometimes love works against love and there is nothing more racking than giving up your dream for a misconceived notion of contentment.

The eternal question for me now is, either to savor the best that I have ever had and live with it's eternal memory or go all the way; but with a trade off that I'll just ruin everything.

I know I am alone in it now; but what needs to be done, should be done. Some people say, it is this step that will differentiate you as you embark on a journey of manhood from being a boy. But I say, now, there is no journey. There is just a ticking clock, me and a stillborn; who just made it and yet it didn't.

~ To those, who never understood it, and will never do.